Vampko's Secret Writings....

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Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:00 pm

I know I have a problem with relying too much on dialogue to tell the story, and I am working on that. Otherwise, feel free to check out this story

Author's Notes wrote:After watching/playing countless anime/RPG’s, and writing/reading tons of fanfiction, I have finally moved on to writing my own stories based on my own ideas. This is a story that has gone through Many, many changes, and continues to evolve as I go on with it. Also, it will contain shoujo-ai, though not any actual yuri (at least for the first part of it. Many chapters down the road might have some.) Also, till later on, it won’t even have any overt shoujo-ai, but there are sure to be hints here and there. The first book will be chronicling a young girl’s life as she struggles with the concept of being a race that shouldn’t exist. I hope that you can enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing this. I’m always open to comments/suggestions, as there is always room for improvement (considering every time I read over a previous chapter, I end up changing stuff here and there xD) If you must flame, that’s your choice. Oh, and the reason for the **, is to denote thoughts.

Yes, I did intend to submit this somewhere, but never got up the courage.

This is like baring my soul, so please constructive criticism only (Oh, and it's in Google docs format, since I couldn't be sure everyone had the ability to read Office 2007 documents)
(Tags : Fantasy, Shoujo-ai (very mild), Original, Sci Fi, Violence (Not too extreme), Vampirism)
Chapter 1 Through the Veil
Chapter 2 The Journey
Chapter 3 The First Day
Chapter 4 The days go by ||1.01

After much consideration, I've gotten around to starting this over. Everything's quite different than it was originally. Hopefully you find this a good change.
(Tags : Fantasy, Shoujo-ai, Original, Sci Fi, Heavy Violence, Vampirism, strong sexual themes (no sex itself though, or even a 'they had sex' sort of thing.) )
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

- Fanfics -
Small warning: I'm slow to update chapters, as I keep on getting new ideas for other stories.
FFNet profile
Key
One-shot = It only has one chapter. That's it. The story is finished.
Ongoing = It's still going. It's not finished. More chapters will come, but when is anyone's guess...
AU = Alternate Universe. Things have been altered about the original work's universe. This also can often refer to a story that branched off in a different direction than the original story.
Yuri = Girls Love. Lesbianism. Etc.

- Corpse Party - (Covers the full series, but only Anthology at the moment)
Spoiler:
Return to the Hysteric Party [2 chapters Ongoing]
Things end slightly different than they did in 2U. And Naomi ends up with a book before the party ends. This book somehow travels with Naomi when they return home. In it is a list of everyone who attended the final scene in the game (which was slightly modified by myself probably), and a simple message : a charm for saving those in the previous page...NOTE: Huge Revision for chapter 1 done on 06/15/2015


- Danganronpa 2 -
Spoiler:
Memories and Future [One-Shot]
A short one-shot of Mahiru and Hiyoko from the second Danganronpa game. Incredibly spoilerific, so don't read this if you haven't beaten the game yet. The story was slightly altered, and I'm taking a bit of creative liberty with things, but it's set after the ending.

Also to note: I've never played AE and have little knowledge of what goes on in that game, so don't be surprised if it clashes with what happens in that game.


- Hyperdimension Neptunia -
Spoiler:
The Truth Behind Neptunia [2 chapters - Ongoing]
An SIish story bringing in Vita-chan to try and figure out what's really going on, set at the beginning of Mk2, pretty much right when Compa and Iffy are going to free Nep and co. It starts off very similar to the actual game, but begins to branch out from that point. There will be yuri. And you don't need to play the game to get this (But it helps to know how characters look)


Life After ASIC's downfall [4 chapters - Ongoing]
A story about Uni and Gear, their going steady, and the affects that it has on the others. Some sort of plot involving NASIC may be in the works too, but time will only tell that...As for the story itself, it will have yuri, though no hentai. It starts with Neptune missing her sister, and how the different capitals are reacting to Gear deciding to move in with Uni.


His Confession [ Oneshot ]
A young man suddenly gets up the courage to confess to a goddess his feelings. But will she accept them? WARNING: Neptune V II spoilers from the G-Dimension. It's rated M for a reason


- Puella Madoka Magi Magica -
Spoiler:
My Beloved [One-Shot]
A note left by a certain someone addressed to their "beloved"


- Tales of Vesperia -
Spoiler:
The Mage and Princess' family [2 Chapters Ongoing]
A fic focused on Ristelle, their daughter, and how the rest of the party lives out life in this brave new world that they chose. Pairings to look out for: Ristelle (RitaxEstelle)[yuri]; PattyxFlynn; YurixJudith; KarolxNan. Mostly fluff, mixed with angst and humor.


- Valvrave the Liberator -
Spoiler:
A Letter (Oneshot)
Because it doesn't seem to exist, and because I loved this show, a short ShoukoxAkira fic. A ship that I was sure would sink, but somehow survived through all the insanity that happened in that show. Set after the epilogue, or possibly within it. It could fit either way. T rating for safety, nothing serious at all, just can never be too safe. Finally made a one-shot!


- Yuru Yuri -
Spoiler:
Last Chrismas (2 chapters Ongoing)
It is Christmas Eve again for the Nanamori girls! But, this time Chizuru has been added to the drawing box? Now that they have an uneven number of participants, will someone be left alone? And what is this strange feeling that Akari keeps on feeling? Will Akari's lack of presence actually help her? Pairings when you read, Akari is the MC by the way! :D


In the Works
A Dog Days" oneshot set into the future when they're older, CouBecca (Couvert and Rebecca) focused, but pairings all over the place.
Last edited by vampko on Sat Jun 20, 2015 7:22 pm, edited 19 times in total.
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Hero » Sun May 08, 2011 8:05 pm

vampko wrote:I know I have a problem with relying too much on dialogue to tell the story, and I am working on that.

just my two cents, but i don't think there's really anything wrong with that, as long as the dialogue is interesting and doesn't go off at a tangent too much without eventually coming back to some relevancy.

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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:07 pm

Hero wrote:
vampko wrote:I know I have a problem with relying too much on dialogue to tell the story, and I am working on that.

just my two cents, but i don't think there's really anything wrong with that, as long as the dialogue is interesting and doesn't go off at a tangent too much without eventually coming back to some relevancy.

Well, I'll let others decide if it's too much. I feel like I don't describe enough stuff for sure though.
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[06:46:27] <Solice> you're like dealing with a bag of rabid cats
Zdood: You are who you are. And you are a captain at the wheel of an easily-sinkable fleet of ships made of duct tape.
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Quillbell » Sun May 08, 2011 8:13 pm

Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:17 pm

Quillbell wrote:Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

Yeah, that's because I rely too much on dialogue. I have to work more on detailing stuff that happens. That's what I really need help with. But, man, if you saw some of my REALLY early stuff... :? (That's all been lost in many a harddrive crash though.)
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[06:46:27] <Solice> you're like dealing with a bag of rabid cats
Zdood: You are who you are. And you are a captain at the wheel of an easily-sinkable fleet of ships made of duct tape.
Spoiler:
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Quillbell » Sun May 08, 2011 8:26 pm

vampko wrote:
Quillbell wrote:Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

Yeah, that's because I rely too much on dialogue. I have to work more on detailing stuff that happens. That's what I really need help with. But, man, if you saw some of my REALLY early stuff... :? (That's all been lost in many a harddrive crash though.)

Still, even cutting down on the dialogue, you'll have to fix the awkward phrasing.

You know what really helps? Reading. Even if they're just trashy fiction or adventure novels. You learn by example, and published books give you examples of well-written phrases. You mentioned elsewhere that you haven't read an actual book for years. Maybe it's time to take it up again. I can guarantee that it'll help.

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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby MizuMikomi » Sun May 08, 2011 8:32 pm

vampko wrote:
Quillbell wrote:Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

Yeah, that's because I rely too much on dialogue. I have to work more on detailing stuff that happens. That's what I really need help with. But, man, if you saw some of my REALLY early stuff... :? (That's all been lost in many a harddrive crash though.)

So far I am impressed, and somewhat jealous, although i do think your dialogue is a bit long in some parts. Seeing as how I am making my thread, I can't do a full read through just yet... but once I am done, I will read through the chapters real quick... since I am a pretty fast reader, and give advice, compliments, and what not.

One thing that stuck out though, is that unlike me... you actually indent your paragraphs. xD

Also I did skim down to where Quillbell read:

"Everyone looked at her with a very confused face"

And I agree it sounds awkward, if it were me I would say something like:

"Everyone looked at her awkwardly." or "Everyone looked at her with confused a confused expression upon their faces."

Just my opinion... I really need to get my stuff up though before people even should listen to my advice, since honestly... I suck. LOL
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Phoenix_Apollo » Sun May 08, 2011 8:37 pm

"everyone looked at her with a confused face" sounds stylistic to me. Also, having dialogue convey what's going on isn't a bad thing. I like it, in fact, and use it a lot myself. It's more immersive to me.
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Quillbell » Sun May 08, 2011 8:41 pm

Phoenix_Apollo wrote:Also, having dialogue convey what's going on isn't a bad thing. I like it, in fact, and use it a lot myself. It's more immersive to me.

Yep, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a lot of dialogue. It's a personal decision, depending on what your writing style is, or what you're trying to convey.

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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:41 pm

Quillbell wrote:
vampko wrote:
Quillbell wrote:Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

Yeah, that's because I rely too much on dialogue. I have to work more on detailing stuff that happens. That's what I really need help with. But, man, if you saw some of my REALLY early stuff... :? (That's all been lost in many a harddrive crash though.)

Still, even cutting down on the dialogue, you'll have to fix the awkward phrasing.

You know what really helps? Reading. Even if they're just trashy fiction or adventure novels. You learn by example, and published books give you examples of well-written phrases. You mentioned elsewhere that you haven't read an actual book for years. Maybe it's time to take it up again. I can guarantee that it'll help.

That's what I'm trying to say. I actually have been going back through the chapters and working not on cutting down on the dialogue, but giving more exposition to all the stuff that isn't dialogue. So, as you said, some stuff is phrased awkwardly.
Also, I've read a lot. And will likely read more as I go through college. I want People's criticism, not just 'read a book, you'll get better'. I need the outside perspective of people, cause I find many literary pieces droll, and too drawn out.

So, I am grateful for what you've said so far, but I need your actual input on how to improve it.
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:44 pm

MizuMikomi wrote:
vampko wrote:
Quillbell wrote:Well from about ten minutes' worth of skimming, the problem that stood out the most was awkward phrasing. For example: "Everyone looked at her with a very confused face". It just sounds...odd, but it's nothing a good editor couldn't fix. I'll do a more careful read a bit later, but I think that's your main issue.

Yeah, that's because I rely too much on dialogue. I have to work more on detailing stuff that happens. That's what I really need help with. But, man, if you saw some of my REALLY early stuff... :? (That's all been lost in many a harddrive crash though.)

So far I am impressed, and somewhat jealous, although i do think your dialogue is a bit long in some parts. Seeing as how I am making my thread, I can't do a full read through just yet... but once I am done, I will read through the chapters real quick... since I am a pretty fast reader, and give advice, compliments, and what not.

One thing that stuck out though, is that unlike me... you actually indent your paragraphs. xD

Also I did skim down to where Quillbell read:

"Everyone looked at her with a very confused face"

And I agree it sounds awkward, if it were me I would say something like:

"Everyone looked at her awkwardly." or "Everyone looked at her with confused a confused expression upon their faces."

Just my opinion... I really need to get my stuff up though before people even should listen to my advice, since honestly... I suck. LOL

It took me a Loooong time to get down good indenting practices. Also, I've been writing for a Looong time. Of course, I started in the realms of fanfiction, but this was my second attempt at doing an all original story.

I still write fanfiction. But, the fanfiction I am currently working on, still hasn't finished a chapter yet.
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[06:46:27] <Solice> you're like dealing with a bag of rabid cats
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Spoiler:
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Quillbell » Sun May 08, 2011 8:49 pm

vampko wrote:So, I am grateful for what you've said so far, but I need your actual input on how to improve it.

Sure thing. That'll come with a closer read, which I'll get around to tomorrow. I might just print the whole thing out and go over it with a red pen.

Would you rather I look for grammar/style problems or something else?

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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby vampko » Sun May 08, 2011 8:54 pm

Quillbell wrote:
vampko wrote:So, I am grateful for what you've said so far, but I need your actual input on how to improve it.

Sure thing. That'll come with a closer read, which I'll get around to tomorrow. I might just print the whole thing out and go over it with a red pen.

Would you rather I look for grammar/style problems or something else?

Anything but spell-check stuff. I know how to spell just fine, and typos are easily fixed. What's important is improving my writing. Word-choice and stuff like that is very welcome. As well as grammar suggestions. And of course anything really.
あの巨人シノはあんたたちの金髪少女の髪を食べたいな顔をしてるよ
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[06:46:27] <Solice> you're like dealing with a bag of rabid cats
Zdood: You are who you are. And you are a captain at the wheel of an easily-sinkable fleet of ships made of duct tape.
Spoiler:
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Age » Sun May 08, 2011 9:00 pm

Granted, time does not a good writer make.

I'll take a look at your work after this final tomorrow.
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Re: Vampko's Secret Writings....

Postby Necrofantasia » Sun May 08, 2011 9:04 pm

I will look at this if you want me to, though as a caveat I have to say that suggestions I have would be from the perspective of someone who now primarily deals in legal writing, which is not exactly the most orthodox way of writing.
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